Everyone knows that Bipolar usually means that your moods swing between highs and lows but do you really know what that means for someone? What does a 'high' look like, feel like? What does a 'low' look like, feel like? Everyone has felt down in the dumps before. Everyone has been sad, extremely sad but usually it only lasts a little while. Everyone has also felt happy, even extremely happy, joy, but this too only lasts as long as the event that triggered it.
To understand the depth of depression I have lived with and still periodically deal with, think of the saddest day/event you have ever had/felt and then keep multiplying those feelings until you feel like you are just being crushed with the heaviness of those deep, sad, heavy feelings to the point you can't move any more. Then keep adding to those feelings the guilt for having them and not knowing why you are having them or how to get rid of them and everything just stays in a vicious circle until there seems to be nowhere for you to go but deeper in the hole. Soon all you want is for the pain in your heart and head to end and it doesn't really matter how. Then all of a sudden you are on a 'high'!
You can't stop being happy, giddy, whatever. And it isn't just being happy. You're active, you have to keep moving, doing something, anything. With me, I had to buy something! It didn't matter what, just something! I got into a lot of trouble with that because it didn't matter whether I had the money or not, I had to buy stuff. I could blow through money like no one's business! But it would get me into trouble because I didn't know how to budget my money so I didn't always have the money to pay my bills. My manics weren't always the happy kind either. It wasn't realized either until a couple of years after I was diagnosed bipolar that my psychiatrist and I realized that anger was a part of my mania as well as happy. Once we realized that and started treatment for it, my bipolar was finally under much better control.
Some people stay on the depression side of bipolar more like I do and some stay on the manic side more. The ones that stay on the manic side are usually the ones that hate staying on meds. Who wouldn't want to stay on a high all the time? Meds just bring them down to where they have to feel normal! I think that the ones that are on the depressed side more are the ones that end up suicidal more. I know that I have been there many times. The manic side is also part of the problem with being diagnosed correctly. I really don't know anyone who will walk into a psychiatrist's office and when asked what the problem is, say that they are too happy!! Would you? That's why it took 10 years to diagnose my condition correctly.
Once you are stable, you still have to deal with all the side effects of the medications, the problems created before you were diagnosed as well as all the feelings that come with finding out that you are a guinea pig for medications and will have to be for the rest of your life if you want to have a somewhat normal life. If you have ever been diagnosed with anything that puts you on any medication for life, you know that it takes some time to deal with the idea that you are dependent on a chemical to help you have a semblance of a normal life. This is no different, except you know that eventually you will have to switch medications because your body will get too used to whatever you are on and it will no longer work so the doctors will have to find a new combination for you.
Therapy helps you to learn your triggers, see when your moods start to swing and help you to start figuring out how to live your life again. Some of your old relationships have to be rebuilt while some never are. New ones are made while the rules of your life revolve around what you can manage. Having both bipolar and borderline personality disorder means that I try to be very careful about what I say around people and if I take offense about what someone says to me. There are times that I ask my therapist for her opinion about something I have written or said that it is saying what I mean for it to say or something that has been written to me that I am understanding correctly what was said and meant. It helps me to learn whether my thoughts when hearing or reading something from someone else is on track or not plus she helps me to process the event if I have become upset by it because I didn't hear it the way it was meant.
More later!!!
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Starting Life With Bipolar as a Diagnosis
Once your diagnosis is made that you are definitely bipolar, you automatically become a guinea pig. There is no quick fix. There is no one medicine that everyone can take and it makes you all better. And it isn't even that you find the right set of medications that work and that's it. It is constantly monitoring your moods and knowing when they stop working right. You have to have the courage to tell your doctors that things are out of whack again. It's not easy and it's not fun! A lot of us that are diagnosed or even just suffer the symptoms decide it's too much of a hassle and treat ourselves whether with alcohol or drugs. Neither is a good solution to the problem.
Once I was starting to stabilize in the hospital, I was sent to a halfway house. Now, that's not what it sounds like. It is actually a house where patients go that is a step down from the actual hospital lock down situation but is still safer that us going home yet. You are given chores to do to help around the house, you go to classes and therapy with your regular therapists in your insurance plan and you are expected to socialize, not hole up in your room all day and night. There are field trips or outings as they were called where you went as a group. Your medications were locked up and you were given the prescribed dosages at specific times. Everything at this point is aimed at helping you to set up a schedule that will help you when you finally return home and have to do this yourself.
Not everyone there was there because of bipolar. Some were there for drug rehab or alcohol rehab or other reasons. It was during this time that I was also diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder. This fun diagnosis is dependent upon several factors like genetics and environmental influences which include the way you were raised, how you learned to communicate as well as other factors.
Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Loss, neglect and bullying may also contribute. The current theory is that some people are more likely to develop BPD due to their biology or genetics and harmful childhood experiences can further increase the risk. (This is from the website https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/)
There is no medication to help you with this disorder! Not even just talking with your therapist can fix this. It causes mood swings that are even worse than the bipolar ones!! This distorts some of what comes into your head. In most situations that you can control, everything is fine. It's when a situation comes up that is not as you had planned it or your routine gets interrupted that you just can't handle it and you just explode. You feel as if the world is against you and everything is an affront to you. Nothing you do is good enough, you are not worthy to be loved. Sound a lot like the depression side of bipolar? You guessed it!!! You went from the manic side (anger) to the depression side (unworthiness) in half a second!! I also would have a tendency to lose control of my temper, start yelling and screaming at whomever was handy, throw things, put my fist through walls or my head. If you ever wondered why I hate the color red, this is why!!! Whenever I would lose control, my eyesight would turn red, so for me, too much red is a trigger color. If I do something in red for you, you should know that I love you very, very much!!!!
The "fix" for borderline personality disorders is not easy and really never stops. It is therapy called "DBT" or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It teaches you to rethink what is coming into your brain. You have to stop and think about whether it is something you should really get upset about or not. You also learn to figure out how to calm yourself down and focus on one thing at a time. Most people with BPD are multi-taskers and can't really function unless they are doing many tasks at the same time. By learning how to focus on just one task at a time, we actually learn to calm ourselves down.
What does this have to do with being bipolar? Well, when it comes to medication for bipolar people, everything has to be taken into account. As I said, you are a guinea pig!!! You start with one medication, take it for a week, if it's starting to help, you up the dose, take it for another week or so. If the side effects are acceptable and it's helping, YEAH! you are one step closer to being stable! Then you start on the next medication! You have to realize, there is no one medicine that helps both mania and depression! You have to pretty much have one for each side and sometimes one to help the middle! And they don't all work well together!!! Then if you are taking other medications for other health problems, you have to make sure that the bipolar medications don't interfere with those or that the other medications don't interfere with the bipolar medications!!!
On top of that, most bipolar individuals need therapy to deal with whatever problems have developed over their lives due to the bipolar or other things which have come up in their lives. It is also helpful to have therapy to understand that being bipolar doesn't mean the end of our lives and that having to take medication to stabilize our mood swings isn't the end of our world. The people who tell us that these things are true just don't know any better. These people may hurt us with their words and without therapy, might convince us to stop our medication which really isn't a good thing!!!
Personally, I like me much better on my medications! It's a lot of work and sometimes I would forget to take my medication if I had to take something other than my regular times of morning and night. I know that others struggle as well. I now have a wonderful service dog who wears a watch and reminds me to take all of my medications at the right time except for my morning meds which I take before they get their breakfast and have the run of the house again!!! (This is when I do my scripture study and take my shower and get ready for the day without them under my feet!!! =)!!)
Til next time!!!
Once I was starting to stabilize in the hospital, I was sent to a halfway house. Now, that's not what it sounds like. It is actually a house where patients go that is a step down from the actual hospital lock down situation but is still safer that us going home yet. You are given chores to do to help around the house, you go to classes and therapy with your regular therapists in your insurance plan and you are expected to socialize, not hole up in your room all day and night. There are field trips or outings as they were called where you went as a group. Your medications were locked up and you were given the prescribed dosages at specific times. Everything at this point is aimed at helping you to set up a schedule that will help you when you finally return home and have to do this yourself.
Not everyone there was there because of bipolar. Some were there for drug rehab or alcohol rehab or other reasons. It was during this time that I was also diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder. This fun diagnosis is dependent upon several factors like genetics and environmental influences which include the way you were raised, how you learned to communicate as well as other factors.
Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Loss, neglect and bullying may also contribute. The current theory is that some people are more likely to develop BPD due to their biology or genetics and harmful childhood experiences can further increase the risk. (This is from the website https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/)
There is no medication to help you with this disorder! Not even just talking with your therapist can fix this. It causes mood swings that are even worse than the bipolar ones!! This distorts some of what comes into your head. In most situations that you can control, everything is fine. It's when a situation comes up that is not as you had planned it or your routine gets interrupted that you just can't handle it and you just explode. You feel as if the world is against you and everything is an affront to you. Nothing you do is good enough, you are not worthy to be loved. Sound a lot like the depression side of bipolar? You guessed it!!! You went from the manic side (anger) to the depression side (unworthiness) in half a second!! I also would have a tendency to lose control of my temper, start yelling and screaming at whomever was handy, throw things, put my fist through walls or my head. If you ever wondered why I hate the color red, this is why!!! Whenever I would lose control, my eyesight would turn red, so for me, too much red is a trigger color. If I do something in red for you, you should know that I love you very, very much!!!!
The "fix" for borderline personality disorders is not easy and really never stops. It is therapy called "DBT" or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It teaches you to rethink what is coming into your brain. You have to stop and think about whether it is something you should really get upset about or not. You also learn to figure out how to calm yourself down and focus on one thing at a time. Most people with BPD are multi-taskers and can't really function unless they are doing many tasks at the same time. By learning how to focus on just one task at a time, we actually learn to calm ourselves down.
What does this have to do with being bipolar? Well, when it comes to medication for bipolar people, everything has to be taken into account. As I said, you are a guinea pig!!! You start with one medication, take it for a week, if it's starting to help, you up the dose, take it for another week or so. If the side effects are acceptable and it's helping, YEAH! you are one step closer to being stable! Then you start on the next medication! You have to realize, there is no one medicine that helps both mania and depression! You have to pretty much have one for each side and sometimes one to help the middle! And they don't all work well together!!! Then if you are taking other medications for other health problems, you have to make sure that the bipolar medications don't interfere with those or that the other medications don't interfere with the bipolar medications!!!
On top of that, most bipolar individuals need therapy to deal with whatever problems have developed over their lives due to the bipolar or other things which have come up in their lives. It is also helpful to have therapy to understand that being bipolar doesn't mean the end of our lives and that having to take medication to stabilize our mood swings isn't the end of our world. The people who tell us that these things are true just don't know any better. These people may hurt us with their words and without therapy, might convince us to stop our medication which really isn't a good thing!!!
Personally, I like me much better on my medications! It's a lot of work and sometimes I would forget to take my medication if I had to take something other than my regular times of morning and night. I know that others struggle as well. I now have a wonderful service dog who wears a watch and reminds me to take all of my medications at the right time except for my morning meds which I take before they get their breakfast and have the run of the house again!!! (This is when I do my scripture study and take my shower and get ready for the day without them under my feet!!! =)!!)
Til next time!!!
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Struggling for a correct diagnosis
Trying to get a correct diagnosis when you are bipolar is harder than you might think. When you see your psychiatrist how many people would think to tell him/her that you are extremely happy? That you were absolutely giddy? Usually I would only think to tell him/her that I had been so depressed or sad. I never thought to tell him/her about the times I lost my temper or of the silly meaningless reasons that it happened.
The psychiatrists could only use the information I gave them and what they saw in their office to diagnose me. Usually, it was major depression and anxiety and that was what I was treated for. The medications would treat part of what I was feeling but would cause the anger to get worse or I would start spending money we really didn't have. The spending was a like a compulsion. I just had to do it!! It didn't matter what I spent it on, I just had to buy something! People would also not know what to say around me. Whatever they might say, I would probably take it the wrong way and either start crying or get mad at them.
I hated (and still do!) looking in the mirror. I never knew which person was going to be there. The person I knew I was in my heart or the person my head kept spitting out! My children and my marriage suffered so because I couldn't figure out what was going on. It was like I was in a nightmare that would never go away!
The medications had their side effects that would make me feel foggy, groggy, and even more anxious depending on the medication. They would also add weight whether I ate more or not. I would stop taking them so that I could feel a little more normal then the cycle would start again. The depression for me is the worst side of the bipolar. Starting in 1991, I would become suicidal periodically. Since I was on medications when I was in the hospitals, they never saw the manic side of me. Just the down, repentant side for having thought/trying to take my life.
I did learn many things during those early stays in the hospitals. I learned how to forgive and how to set boundaries. I forgave my mother and started talking with her again. I learned it was okay to say no (but I still have problems with that one!!) and I learned that it's okay to say yes when I want to!
The day in May when I was in the hospital that I finally was diagnosed with bipolar was on one hand a wonderful day because they knew what was wrong with me and the worst day of my life! The doctors saw both sides of the bipolar manifesting itself because I was completely off of all medications so they were able to correctly diagnose me. It was the worst day of my life because it was the day my husband told me that I couldn't come home and he was taking our children away from me.
More to come another day!
The psychiatrists could only use the information I gave them and what they saw in their office to diagnose me. Usually, it was major depression and anxiety and that was what I was treated for. The medications would treat part of what I was feeling but would cause the anger to get worse or I would start spending money we really didn't have. The spending was a like a compulsion. I just had to do it!! It didn't matter what I spent it on, I just had to buy something! People would also not know what to say around me. Whatever they might say, I would probably take it the wrong way and either start crying or get mad at them.
I hated (and still do!) looking in the mirror. I never knew which person was going to be there. The person I knew I was in my heart or the person my head kept spitting out! My children and my marriage suffered so because I couldn't figure out what was going on. It was like I was in a nightmare that would never go away!
The medications had their side effects that would make me feel foggy, groggy, and even more anxious depending on the medication. They would also add weight whether I ate more or not. I would stop taking them so that I could feel a little more normal then the cycle would start again. The depression for me is the worst side of the bipolar. Starting in 1991, I would become suicidal periodically. Since I was on medications when I was in the hospitals, they never saw the manic side of me. Just the down, repentant side for having thought/trying to take my life.
I did learn many things during those early stays in the hospitals. I learned how to forgive and how to set boundaries. I forgave my mother and started talking with her again. I learned it was okay to say no (but I still have problems with that one!!) and I learned that it's okay to say yes when I want to!
The day in May when I was in the hospital that I finally was diagnosed with bipolar was on one hand a wonderful day because they knew what was wrong with me and the worst day of my life! The doctors saw both sides of the bipolar manifesting itself because I was completely off of all medications so they were able to correctly diagnose me. It was the worst day of my life because it was the day my husband told me that I couldn't come home and he was taking our children away from me.
More to come another day!
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Introducing Myself and Why I'm Doing This!
Hi, my name is Christine Lynette Applegate. I was born Christine Lynette Porter. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It varies from type I to II depending on how I'm doing when I see my psychiatrist. I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Agoraphobia, Claustrophobia, Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Along with these mental health disorders, I have several physical problems as well. However, my physical problems are secondary to the mental health ones in this blog.
I'm doing this to help both myself and maybe help someone else. There have been so many times that I have been on the brink of death and wished that I wasn't alone. I know that the Lord is always with me and He has always made His presence known to me when I need it. But sometimes it helps to know that another human has felt the same way and has made it through some of the same things. I also think that writing down everything will help me to heal myself as well. I have been through so much and learned so much and if something that I have learned can help someone else and that someone makes it through a tough time without hurting themselves, then this is worth it!
My diagnosis of Bipolar wasn't made until May of 2000 but I had been suffering with it for many years prior. The psychiatrists just kept diagnosing me with major depression. Let's back up a bit to when I first started having problems.
People have always seen me as very shy and retiring. I've always been a wallflower, the kind of person that people forget is even there. The person who helps everyone, listens to everyone's problems and usually doesn't lose her temper. The problem was that when I did lose my temper, it was like a cork coming out of the champagne bottle!! It was an explosion!! I also couldn't always remember what I said or did. I would literally see the color red and that was it. I never realized that wasn't normal for anyone else, nor did I tell anyone about it. This had started about the time I was in high school. I usually tried to make sure that the "cork" blew when no one else was around so that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I would punch brick walls with my hand or my head (never breaking anything, though I tried!), I have punched holes in walls, thrown things (preferably away from people).
I couldn't understand what was happening to me. It didn't happen very often so I wasn't too worried about it when I was in high school and in the Marine Corps. It started getting worse when I got pregnant with my first child and worse with each subsequent pregnancy.
While most women's hormones usually go back to normal after the babies are born, mine did not. My mental health just got worse with each one. Abuse I had suffered as a child that I had blocked came back to me, but that's a topic for another day. After my second daughter was born, I started seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for help. I was put on many different medications. Some helped for a time, some had many side effects that I wasn't willing to live with, others just didn't help at all. That's another subject!
Since the correct diagnosis was made in May of 2000, I have been in treatment for it as well as therapy for the Borderline Personality Disorder, which is another topic. Because of my sensitivity for medications, they don't treat my anxiety and panic attacks with medications. I usually have a service dog now to help me with that!
Stay tuned for the next installment! Let me know if you like this or not!!!
May the Lord Bless You and Yours!!!
I'm doing this to help both myself and maybe help someone else. There have been so many times that I have been on the brink of death and wished that I wasn't alone. I know that the Lord is always with me and He has always made His presence known to me when I need it. But sometimes it helps to know that another human has felt the same way and has made it through some of the same things. I also think that writing down everything will help me to heal myself as well. I have been through so much and learned so much and if something that I have learned can help someone else and that someone makes it through a tough time without hurting themselves, then this is worth it!
My diagnosis of Bipolar wasn't made until May of 2000 but I had been suffering with it for many years prior. The psychiatrists just kept diagnosing me with major depression. Let's back up a bit to when I first started having problems.
People have always seen me as very shy and retiring. I've always been a wallflower, the kind of person that people forget is even there. The person who helps everyone, listens to everyone's problems and usually doesn't lose her temper. The problem was that when I did lose my temper, it was like a cork coming out of the champagne bottle!! It was an explosion!! I also couldn't always remember what I said or did. I would literally see the color red and that was it. I never realized that wasn't normal for anyone else, nor did I tell anyone about it. This had started about the time I was in high school. I usually tried to make sure that the "cork" blew when no one else was around so that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I would punch brick walls with my hand or my head (never breaking anything, though I tried!), I have punched holes in walls, thrown things (preferably away from people).
I couldn't understand what was happening to me. It didn't happen very often so I wasn't too worried about it when I was in high school and in the Marine Corps. It started getting worse when I got pregnant with my first child and worse with each subsequent pregnancy.
While most women's hormones usually go back to normal after the babies are born, mine did not. My mental health just got worse with each one. Abuse I had suffered as a child that I had blocked came back to me, but that's a topic for another day. After my second daughter was born, I started seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for help. I was put on many different medications. Some helped for a time, some had many side effects that I wasn't willing to live with, others just didn't help at all. That's another subject!
Since the correct diagnosis was made in May of 2000, I have been in treatment for it as well as therapy for the Borderline Personality Disorder, which is another topic. Because of my sensitivity for medications, they don't treat my anxiety and panic attacks with medications. I usually have a service dog now to help me with that!
Stay tuned for the next installment! Let me know if you like this or not!!!
May the Lord Bless You and Yours!!!
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