Trying to get a correct diagnosis when you are bipolar is harder than you might think. When you see your psychiatrist how many people would think to tell him/her that you are extremely happy? That you were absolutely giddy? Usually I would only think to tell him/her that I had been so depressed or sad. I never thought to tell him/her about the times I lost my temper or of the silly meaningless reasons that it happened.
The psychiatrists could only use the information I gave them and what they saw in their office to diagnose me. Usually, it was major depression and anxiety and that was what I was treated for. The medications would treat part of what I was feeling but would cause the anger to get worse or I would start spending money we really didn't have. The spending was a like a compulsion. I just had to do it!! It didn't matter what I spent it on, I just had to buy something! People would also not know what to say around me. Whatever they might say, I would probably take it the wrong way and either start crying or get mad at them.
I hated (and still do!) looking in the mirror. I never knew which person was going to be there. The person I knew I was in my heart or the person my head kept spitting out! My children and my marriage suffered so because I couldn't figure out what was going on. It was like I was in a nightmare that would never go away!
The medications had their side effects that would make me feel foggy, groggy, and even more anxious depending on the medication. They would also add weight whether I ate more or not. I would stop taking them so that I could feel a little more normal then the cycle would start again. The depression for me is the worst side of the bipolar. Starting in 1991, I would become suicidal periodically. Since I was on medications when I was in the hospitals, they never saw the manic side of me. Just the down, repentant side for having thought/trying to take my life.
I did learn many things during those early stays in the hospitals. I learned how to forgive and how to set boundaries. I forgave my mother and started talking with her again. I learned it was okay to say no (but I still have problems with that one!!) and I learned that it's okay to say yes when I want to!
The day in May when I was in the hospital that I finally was diagnosed with bipolar was on one hand a wonderful day because they knew what was wrong with me and the worst day of my life! The doctors saw both sides of the bipolar manifesting itself because I was completely off of all medications so they were able to correctly diagnose me. It was the worst day of my life because it was the day my husband told me that I couldn't come home and he was taking our children away from me.
More to come another day!
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