Trying to get a correct diagnosis when you are bipolar is harder than you might think. When you see your psychiatrist how many people would think to tell him/her that you are extremely happy? That you were absolutely giddy? Usually I would only think to tell him/her that I had been so depressed or sad. I never thought to tell him/her about the times I lost my temper or of the silly meaningless reasons that it happened.
The psychiatrists could only use the information I gave them and what they saw in their office to diagnose me. Usually, it was major depression and anxiety and that was what I was treated for. The medications would treat part of what I was feeling but would cause the anger to get worse or I would start spending money we really didn't have. The spending was a like a compulsion. I just had to do it!! It didn't matter what I spent it on, I just had to buy something! People would also not know what to say around me. Whatever they might say, I would probably take it the wrong way and either start crying or get mad at them.
I hated (and still do!) looking in the mirror. I never knew which person was going to be there. The person I knew I was in my heart or the person my head kept spitting out! My children and my marriage suffered so because I couldn't figure out what was going on. It was like I was in a nightmare that would never go away!
The medications had their side effects that would make me feel foggy, groggy, and even more anxious depending on the medication. They would also add weight whether I ate more or not. I would stop taking them so that I could feel a little more normal then the cycle would start again. The depression for me is the worst side of the bipolar. Starting in 1991, I would become suicidal periodically. Since I was on medications when I was in the hospitals, they never saw the manic side of me. Just the down, repentant side for having thought/trying to take my life.
I did learn many things during those early stays in the hospitals. I learned how to forgive and how to set boundaries. I forgave my mother and started talking with her again. I learned it was okay to say no (but I still have problems with that one!!) and I learned that it's okay to say yes when I want to!
The day in May when I was in the hospital that I finally was diagnosed with bipolar was on one hand a wonderful day because they knew what was wrong with me and the worst day of my life! The doctors saw both sides of the bipolar manifesting itself because I was completely off of all medications so they were able to correctly diagnose me. It was the worst day of my life because it was the day my husband told me that I couldn't come home and he was taking our children away from me.
More to come another day!
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Introducing Myself and Why I'm Doing This!
Hi, my name is Christine Lynette Applegate. I was born Christine Lynette Porter. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It varies from type I to II depending on how I'm doing when I see my psychiatrist. I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Agoraphobia, Claustrophobia, Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Along with these mental health disorders, I have several physical problems as well. However, my physical problems are secondary to the mental health ones in this blog.
I'm doing this to help both myself and maybe help someone else. There have been so many times that I have been on the brink of death and wished that I wasn't alone. I know that the Lord is always with me and He has always made His presence known to me when I need it. But sometimes it helps to know that another human has felt the same way and has made it through some of the same things. I also think that writing down everything will help me to heal myself as well. I have been through so much and learned so much and if something that I have learned can help someone else and that someone makes it through a tough time without hurting themselves, then this is worth it!
My diagnosis of Bipolar wasn't made until May of 2000 but I had been suffering with it for many years prior. The psychiatrists just kept diagnosing me with major depression. Let's back up a bit to when I first started having problems.
People have always seen me as very shy and retiring. I've always been a wallflower, the kind of person that people forget is even there. The person who helps everyone, listens to everyone's problems and usually doesn't lose her temper. The problem was that when I did lose my temper, it was like a cork coming out of the champagne bottle!! It was an explosion!! I also couldn't always remember what I said or did. I would literally see the color red and that was it. I never realized that wasn't normal for anyone else, nor did I tell anyone about it. This had started about the time I was in high school. I usually tried to make sure that the "cork" blew when no one else was around so that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I would punch brick walls with my hand or my head (never breaking anything, though I tried!), I have punched holes in walls, thrown things (preferably away from people).
I couldn't understand what was happening to me. It didn't happen very often so I wasn't too worried about it when I was in high school and in the Marine Corps. It started getting worse when I got pregnant with my first child and worse with each subsequent pregnancy.
While most women's hormones usually go back to normal after the babies are born, mine did not. My mental health just got worse with each one. Abuse I had suffered as a child that I had blocked came back to me, but that's a topic for another day. After my second daughter was born, I started seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for help. I was put on many different medications. Some helped for a time, some had many side effects that I wasn't willing to live with, others just didn't help at all. That's another subject!
Since the correct diagnosis was made in May of 2000, I have been in treatment for it as well as therapy for the Borderline Personality Disorder, which is another topic. Because of my sensitivity for medications, they don't treat my anxiety and panic attacks with medications. I usually have a service dog now to help me with that!
Stay tuned for the next installment! Let me know if you like this or not!!!
May the Lord Bless You and Yours!!!
I'm doing this to help both myself and maybe help someone else. There have been so many times that I have been on the brink of death and wished that I wasn't alone. I know that the Lord is always with me and He has always made His presence known to me when I need it. But sometimes it helps to know that another human has felt the same way and has made it through some of the same things. I also think that writing down everything will help me to heal myself as well. I have been through so much and learned so much and if something that I have learned can help someone else and that someone makes it through a tough time without hurting themselves, then this is worth it!
My diagnosis of Bipolar wasn't made until May of 2000 but I had been suffering with it for many years prior. The psychiatrists just kept diagnosing me with major depression. Let's back up a bit to when I first started having problems.
People have always seen me as very shy and retiring. I've always been a wallflower, the kind of person that people forget is even there. The person who helps everyone, listens to everyone's problems and usually doesn't lose her temper. The problem was that when I did lose my temper, it was like a cork coming out of the champagne bottle!! It was an explosion!! I also couldn't always remember what I said or did. I would literally see the color red and that was it. I never realized that wasn't normal for anyone else, nor did I tell anyone about it. This had started about the time I was in high school. I usually tried to make sure that the "cork" blew when no one else was around so that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I would punch brick walls with my hand or my head (never breaking anything, though I tried!), I have punched holes in walls, thrown things (preferably away from people).
I couldn't understand what was happening to me. It didn't happen very often so I wasn't too worried about it when I was in high school and in the Marine Corps. It started getting worse when I got pregnant with my first child and worse with each subsequent pregnancy.
While most women's hormones usually go back to normal after the babies are born, mine did not. My mental health just got worse with each one. Abuse I had suffered as a child that I had blocked came back to me, but that's a topic for another day. After my second daughter was born, I started seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for help. I was put on many different medications. Some helped for a time, some had many side effects that I wasn't willing to live with, others just didn't help at all. That's another subject!
Since the correct diagnosis was made in May of 2000, I have been in treatment for it as well as therapy for the Borderline Personality Disorder, which is another topic. Because of my sensitivity for medications, they don't treat my anxiety and panic attacks with medications. I usually have a service dog now to help me with that!
Stay tuned for the next installment! Let me know if you like this or not!!!
May the Lord Bless You and Yours!!!
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